Monday, March 12, 2007

Reflections from my 3rd Anniversary...

I love/hate it when I come into touch with who I really am, and what I really think.
So, for our third wedding anniversary, I took my most excellent wife to Cannon Beach for an overnight, and a really nice dinner. I determined before leaving to 1) not watch or read about sports and 2) to give all of my time and focus to my wife and what she would like to do. That went great until she dozed off earlier than me, and I did not have the fortitude to resist turning on ESPN and seeing where my beloved Oregon Ducks were seeded in the NCAA tournament. And like anyone in addiction, (I am not kidding, or trying to be 'light' here...this truly concerns me) once I opened up that Pandora's box, I keep diving into it!
But, other than breaking my inner-vow, everything went really great. And I learned something about myself that 10,000 others likely have noticed or told me, but it got through to me ever so clearly.
Before going, I had this pseudo warrior/macho guy thinking, like, "Ya, I will be a good husband, and take my wife out, and really celebrate our anniversary." I made reservations at a phenomenal restaurant, got a nice room, set aside the 'quality-time,' all so that I could meet her needs. Sounds 'good' and 'moral' to me.
Frankly, after going, I realized I was the one who needed that time! (I am sure Danielle did too!) It was one of the best times I have ever had with my wife, and I can recollect tons of those times! I usually have 4 or 5 things going on in my brain at once, so it seems, and on the drive to the coast, we just started talking, and it was so good. Right before we left, Danielle found letters we had exchanged with each other before we got married, of "30 things we would like to do" in our lives. We didn't take those with us, but we took time out together at a coffee shop to update that list. I needed to do that! With her! I was pretty nuts about my wife before, but I am blown away at how much more I like her after going on this trip! She told me how much she liked dreaming with me about life, and I just wanted to cry. I can't conceive of why she likes me so much, but I have total trust that she does. Anyone who really knows me knows I love to dream and scheme...but with her, there is no one else that I get more satisfaction out of doing that with. Not even close.
I am realizing I put on some phony tough mask or something, thinking that I don't need to take time out like that, but that I need to do it for my wife. But it was so right, and critically healthy, for me. Just hearing my wife's heart was more than worth it all. The mindset I have had about that is worthless, stupid, unenlightened, and ignorant.
I made mistakes our first two anniversaries. Sure, it was tough to afford to do some things, but we merely went out to dinner, and we never had left town before. I realize for us, and the way we are built, even if finances are tight, I think it is a great idea to get out of our daily humdrum for at least 2 days and get a 'different view.' And what excuse do I have with such a beautiful coast 60 minutes from where I live? (Take that, my midwestern friends! ) ( I shouldn't be so hard on myself, when I lived in Kansas City, coming from Oregon, I truly was stumped to find a place worthy of going...seriously, what can compare to the NW?)
So, now, the message many who have cared for me, that likely tried to get across, has gotten across. To be honest, my thoughts convict me, because right now, I see them as prideful. I need rest too. I need to be with/hear my wife too. If we get to go away, it isn't just for her, so she can be OK, it is also for me to, so that I can be OK. I am not that tough/together/with it.

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